I don't even know how to start this post. First of all I just want apologise for the lack of posts on any social media really. A lot, a lot has been happening as past few months and that's why I'm here today to clear the air. First of all I've been snowed under with exams. I had my last one today and I've never been as glad to just chill. Secondly and of course the main thing was the loss of someone really special in my life. This woman was an inspiration to everyone that knew her and it breaks my heart to know she's gone. This woman was my granny, Jean Rouse.
(This was my granny holding me shortly after I was born.)
My granny meant the world to and all our family really. She was the most wisest, caring, funny and loving individual. She hadn't been her best for quite a while but had nothing serious or life threatening although she suffered from C.O.P.D as a result of smoking for several years. She was admitted to the hospital around ten weeks ago due to her stats being low. This was nothing serious and we were told that it wasn't concerning.
After being in the hospital for a week or two she was moved to the respiratory ward, it was then that she began to pick up infections as her immune system grew so low. I remember going to visit her one day and her telling us that "she wasn't leaving until she was better" and of course we supported her decision. It was a few weeks later whilst visiting her that we realised that granny was unwell. She didn't look herself and looked ill. This was when we thought that something was up. I'll always remember the car journey down that day. I stared out the window thinking of a world without her and I just couldn't stop crying, but honestly deep down I didn't believe for a second that it was her time to go.
About a week later I saw an improvement, she looked healthier and was generally in better form. My hopes were restored and I generally believed that she could get out and well. Whilst she was in the hospital the family redecorated her home for her getting out of the hospital. It was a few weeks later when my uncle made an appointment with the ward's consultant, he told us that there was nothing they could do for her and this is when the alarm bells began to ring. The consultant told us to make the most of the time we had left with her. I've never been as heart broken in all my time on this earth. She meant the world to me and I just couldn't believe what I was hearing. She was only 68. My uncle phoned my dad the next day and told him that she was really bad and to get there as soon as possible. We got dressed and rushed down the road believing it was too late. It was the worst journey of my life. I couldn't help but think that I wouldn't get to say goodbye or to tell her how much I loved her.
With tears running down my face I literally sprinted to her room. To our surprise she improved that day. That day I told her how much I loved her and how much she meant to me. I remember I didn't think he was with us when we first came in. I didn't think she was alert. I lifted my hand standing at the bottom of her bed and waved at her. She lifted her hand an attempted to wave back to me and that really broke my heart. It was four days later when her body just couldn't fight any more. The infection had spread to her throat and she couldn't swallow anything.
I don't think that I've cried as much. I thank God for giving me such an amazing woman as my granny. And there's not one day that passes where I don't think about her. She took on a family of five when she was just 18 after my dads mum died of cancer when he was 2. She cared for them children like they were her own. She eventually went on to have four more children of her own. I can't stress how loving she was. She would have given you her last breath. My life without her just isn't the same and I don't think that i'll ever fully get used to it. Since she died i've been just taking everyday as it comes and putting no pressure on myself to get posts up. I cant guarantee i'll be back to posting once a week again for another while yet. But I hope to get gradually back into the swing of things.
Everything I do in life and on this blog is dedicated to you granny, you were an angel that i'll never forget. May you rest in peace and watch over me wherever I go.
With love Fionntán,
Thank you all so much for taking the time out of your day to read this.
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